Ghoulies: Evolutionary Toilet Terror – Monster Science #5

Ghoulies: Evolutionary Toilet Terror – Monster Science #5


[monsterous growling] [screaming] Hello. My name is Dr. Anton Jessup curator
of Monster Studies here at the university. Now you may know me best from my book, The
Sex Lives of Undead Aristocracy: A Scientific Inquiry. [Bad VHS sound] Now I don’t know
about you, but I gave up defecation years ago and with very good reason. Because while
there is very little in the natural world to threaten the modern toilet user, the privies
of the unnatural world belong to the Ghoulie. As a species, ghoulies exhibit varied morphology.
Many specimens boast body hair, pronounced ears and even an inclination for toddler clothing.
One variant even has wings. But of special note are the green, smooth-skinned toilet
morphs, whose malleable, childlike bodies allow for easy navigation of filth-packed
sewer pipes. These ingenious creatures simply swim their way up through the sewer system,
braving rivers of human waste till they find a suitable toilet bowl from which to emerge.
Then, when human prey approaches, the ghoulie retreats down into the pipes just long enough
for their quarry to drop their trousers and plop down upon the commode. Then the ghoulie
surfaces and sinks its razor-sharp teeth into the unprotected nether flesh. Horrifying isn’t it? Again, this is the reason
that these days I handle most of my lower digestive processes externally. But you’re right to fear the ghoulie. It’s woven into our very DNA. [Bad VHS sound] Like the common rat, ghoulies navigate sewage
pipes with ease – but their predatory impulse ranks them among the more fearsome predators
of the prehistoric age. Defecation is a risky scenario for a number of reasons. Obviously,
the act itself places homo sapiens in a rather vulnerable state, especially when you factor
in the variable levels of mental focus required to reach completion. And then there’s the
smell. According to Italian bowel experts Bassotti and Villanacci, both modern and ancient
human fecal samples are rich in volatile compounds likely to be identified by potential predators.
That distinctive odor sends up a signal flare for eager man-eaters. In their 2013 study,
“The control of defecation in humans: an evolutionary advantage,” the researchers
argue that the high-predation risk for ancient hominids by large carnivores suggests something
rather amazing: That humans, in part, owe their evolutionary ascension to conscious
bowel control. Oh certainly high brain volume, erect stature and opposable thumbs all played
an essential role as well, but by choosing when, how and where to defecate, our ancient
ancestors were able to leave their fecal calling cards in undetectable or untraceable places.
That, my friend, is a true game-changer for the complex prey–predator relationship.
Naturally, we humans retained our innate fear of mid-defecation attack — and the ghoulie
serves as a potent reminder of these primal terrors. For just as homo sapiens evolved
to out maneuver spoor-sniffing carnivores, these unnatural goblinoids evolved to prey
exclusively on the rumps of toilet-seatedhumans. So I hope that puts your own toilet fears
and scatological paranoia in perspective. And I’m curious, do you find yourself checking
the toilet bowl for lurking dangers before you have a seat? [Bad VHS noise] And are there
other monsters that you would like for me to dissect for you… [Bad VHS noise] Let
me know. I would love to hear from you. End transmission.

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